The injuries to Drew Brees and Ben Roethlisberger, the latter of whom might just retire, gives me a chance to talk about the league’s slowest quarterbacks. Every QB that enters the league now feels like a running back hybrid – your Josh Allens hurdling defenders and Dak Prescotts casually dodging sacks to pick up first downs. I want to think young quarterbacks have always looked athletic compared to the vets, but no. Today’s veteran QBs, the guys one sack away from a cruise vacation, have forever carried the ball with a full diaper.
Don’t believe me? Take a look at Tom Brady’s combine video. He looks like a gym teacher demonstrating drills. Philip Rivers ran for a career-best 102 yards in 2014 and his rushing highlight video of that year is one of the best bits of comedy this decade. I just picture him yelling “AHHHHHH!” on every run. Philip Rivers is not meant to be running. Just thrusting, arms and hips, until he produces enough cash and children to colonize a small island.
Right now, there are 53 active QBs that have started at least 10 games in the NFL. Fifty-three. If Ben Roethlisberger retires, he’ll exit ranked 40th on that list in yards-per-rush at 2.89. I’ll remember Big Ben as a lumbering, lecherous oaf, shaking off defensive lineman and shouting “This is MY swamp!!” And there are 13 active quarterbacks that average less yards per rush than that enormous loaf of bread.
Nine of those 13 famously immobile quarterbacks came into the league before 2010. The big names are Joe Flacco (ranked 43), Eli Manning (47), Tom Brady (48), Philip Rivers (49), and Drew Brees (50). Out of 53. Incredibly, the 27-year-old Jimmy Garoppolo ranks dead last, averaging 1.1 yards on his 54 career carriers. Garoppolo is 6’2”, which means he could double his rushing average by just falling forward at the line of scrimmage.
If this is the last year for Drew Brees and Eli Manning and Tom Brady and Ben Roethlisberger, I want us to remember they not only took their sweet ass time retiring, but also moving about past the line of scrimmage. All save for our sweet, slow-cooked Philip Rivers, who I desperately hope still has another five years of stumbling, potty-mouthed first-down runs. Unlike his fellow elder statesmen, Philip is riding out into the sunset on a motherfucking gallop. Through two games, Rivers is tied with Dak Prescott for the QB lead in rushing yards per average at 9 yards. He has 2 attempts for 18 yards. Rivers: you’re one of the league’s most underappreciated offensive players and we salute your graceless hustle as the king of slow quarterbacks.
GatheringWool 