My girlfriend, Mara, is a lot of things. Artist, adventurer, foodie, horticulturalist, craft wizard. A sports fan, however, she is not. Televised football and basketball just put her to sleep, and when she wakes she’ll ask “Did your team get some points?” Her aggressive apathy is never not charming; she thinks an NBA team is the Cleveland Ghosts.
#TeamNoTeam and I recently went sailing on a lake in Greensboro. Mara knows how to rig a freaking sail boat! There was no wind, so we hand paddled out a bit and started a round of Would You Rather. One of the options she lobbed my way included Peyton Manning. Something about sucking his toes, I believe. The weird part was Manning’s name.
“Why Peyton? What made you think of him? That’s so random.”
“Hmm, I don’t know.”
“Wait,” I paused and laughed. “How many sports figures can you name? Active athletes only. Go.”
1. Peyton Manning
Mara, with more than a hint of confidence, asked if Peyton has a brother. I nodded. She then just started listing white dude names. Kyle? Mike? Trevor Manning?
It does make some sense for the Manning name to find itself in the vagrant American conscience. Peyton and Eli have appeared in multiple Super Bowls, the one mandatory American sporting event. They’ve hosted SNL. Their large foreheads are in commercials and on pizza boxes. You don’t have to know what a Peyton Manning is to know his name.
2. Tom Thibodeau
I kid you not this was Mara’s second name. Tom Thibodeau is an NBA coach (which she didn’t know) and she spelled his last name “Tibito.” I have no idea if this was a silly alliterate guess or if the name had subliminally buried itself in her headspace. Either way, I almost fell out of the boat.
2. LeBron
This one’s kinda obvious. LeBron is the ubiquitous, single-name icon of basketball; the MVP of #TeamNoTeam. He also happens to have been in the NBA Finals the three years I’ve dated Mara. She tent-poled her eyes for these particular games, due to the accessible drama of the world’s best player battling precise Spurs and Warriors machines, and also Tim Duncan’s hot dad bod. Go Cleveland Ghosts!
3. Tiger Woods
“Who doesn’t know about Tiger Woods?” Great point.
The Tiger Woods infidelity scandal may be our generation’s O.J. Simpson Bronco chase. I remember where I was when the news broke: Thanksgiving, 2009 and I was at my grandmother’s house. Golf was never a holiday topic of conversation, but this was drama — DRAMA!!! — a diversion from the spats that would percolate naturally if everyone just sat still for a minute. Ahh, The Great Tiger Woods Thanksgiving!
4. Serena Williams
Mara loves her some Serena Williams. She considers Serena to be “basically the female Hercules” and that she “sweats Gatorade.” I too will defend these assertions. Serena’s sister? The one who became the first black woman to hold the title of World No. 1 in tennis? Mara has no clue. “Vanessa Williams?”
5. “Freaking Tom Brady”
Before every Super Bowl, Mara and her mom get together and memorize names on the two rosters. So with zero context, they can saddle up next to you at the Super Bowl party and say “Russell Wilson, huh?” At least this is the plan. She might say “Randall” Wilson. It’s fine.
6. David Beckham
“I do like soccer,” Mara says. “And I certainly like Beckham, especially when he has his shirt off.” She also likes that Beckham has babies with Posh Spice. Yes, technically he retired from soccer in 2013.
Speaking of “professional athletes”…
7. Tebow
“He did something stupid in a Super Bowl or something where he kneeled and put his elbow to his knee and fist to his forehead when he scored a touchdown. I’m not sure why this became a thing. But now I hear people just randomly shout ‘Tebow’ in the streets. I don’t get it.”
Neither do I, really. It’s fine.
GatheringWool 